How God uses disruption!


“For your love delights me more than wine.” (Song of Solomon 1:3)

The “knowing” in my heart had been growing for a while – through the last few months of winter – that I needed to find a spiritual director again. I’ve had several in the past and have found those months to be times of huge spiritual movement, tremendous growth for me. Like a personal trainer at the gym, a good director helps me stretch my spiritual parameters and grow spiritually stronger – I find myself turning inward as the Holy Spirit probes the depths of my heart, bringing moments of profound revelation – and many encounters with Jesus “the Healer.”

With a spiritual director as a companion, I am walking with someone who carefully carries my heart, providing perspective and insight. In the past, spiritual direction has helped me experience perhaps the ultimate paradox of the Gospel: In order to save my life I must lose it (see Matthew 16:25) – it’s a process orchestrated by the Holy Spirit as He guides me to life-giving encounters with Jesus, but in order to have those encounters I have to open up to painful or confusing moments from my past.

Which may be why I kept putting off the search – my “human-ness” gets the best of me. I drag my feet, feeling reluctance at making the commitment, at the “work” of healing it seems to involve. And a fear of “losing my life” as I reveal hidden fear and shame.

But previous spiritual direction has given me knowledge of the life-giving nature of God – it’s the biblical “knowing” – a knowing that is acquired through experience, not simply having the information. So in the past I’ve come away from my one-hour appointments feeling as if my life has been saved, in fact, having moments where I feel as if I’m overflowing with God’s life-giving breath and walking in the freedom He promises to give us.

So three weeks ago I made the 40-minute drive to meet with a potential spiritual director and see if the Holy Spirit moved both of our hearts to say “yes” to embarking on this journey together. It was a good conversation and we agreed to meet again. She gave me a scripture to meditate on: Song of Solomon 1:1-4.

The natural mimics the spiritual

Two months ago, my husband and I signed a contract to buy a new house – a house we fell in love with. However, we had been in our previous house for more than 30 years! This move would be huge!

So by the time I met with my spiritual director for the second session, we had cleaned out our old house and moved into our new house. During this process I felt so un-anchored and out of my comfort zone – totally disrupted.

And the words that kept coming to me were “the Lord loves to use disruption.” This wise insight had been shared by a counselor I had seen a number of years ago.

The monumental task of packing up a house we had lived in for 30 years had sucked up so much of my energy and time that I felt I was short-changing God. Throughout my day I’d talk to Him: “I know You are with me,” “I know you understand,” “I’m sorry I’m not spending more time with You.”

Underneath all of it was a sense that I was letting God down.

So when I walked into the second meeting with my spiritual director, I poured my heart out like water (see Lamentations 2:19).

As we talked, she gently prodded me – did Jesus ever ask for anything in return for healing someone?


Did people ever bring him anything so they could be healed?


Technically I was correct – they didn’t bring him anything of the natural realm. However, what they did bring him was their desire – their desire to be healed – or for their son, daughter or slave to be healed! And Jesus’ desire to heal met their hearts in a divine embrace.

I left the meeting with one instruction: rest in the knowledge that His desire meets my desire. That’s all He wants.

So in the midst of all the disruption, what had risen to the surface on a spiritual level was the “lie” that I wasn’t good enough for God, that if I wasn’t spending time with Him I somehow had less of His love. As a friend of mine pointed out, the disruption had allowed dross (impurities removed from molten-hot metal during refining) to rise from my heart and be blown away!

I want everything removed that gets in the way of my relationship with the Lord and knowing the truth of His all-encompassing love. Something happens when I embark on an intentional journey with a spiritual director – as if we launch a boat into the waters of my life, and each meeting causes ripples to spread out into the rest of my day, the rest of my week, the rest of my earthly journey! I see the hand of God with crystal-clear vision as He uses almost everything to reveal the truth of who He is to me.

Lord, thank you for leading me to a spiritual director just when I needed someone to “carry my heart.” I see You in my disruption and how You remove the dross. I revel in the “heart-knowledge” that you desire me more than I know – you delight in me more than wine! Amen.